Monday, March 30, 2009

I haven't really been eating regularly, and I'm taking a lot of advil and I still can't fall asleep and I feel like I want to throw up I just work myself up so much worrying, feeling ashamed for my actions and then in public I act flippant, like what I do has no consequence and I keep checking my email and writing in a secret blog really scary things and my hands shake and I drink lots of water and listen to all of the saddest songs trying to get through this and checking my email and refreshing everything trying to forge real human connections and failing and feeling that I did everything wrong and wanting to go back to that like saturday night over mexican food and thinking about saying everything differently, not saying different words but phrasing the words i did speak in another way so that i could be heard and understood more easily and if i could cry i would, because i want to but it's too hard to cry and even if i did i'd probably just get embarrassed by my crying because if anyone was looking through my window at me they'd know that i was forcing it, making it up, trying to cry to look cool or honest and i've never been able to say what i want, say what i mean to who i want to say it to because i'm such a coward because i'm so disconnected but all i really want is connection and i'm 100% certain that if i could i would give up all of my possession and all of my money and all of my knowledge for real human interaction on a intimate level not sexual but openness and honesty and a hug that means it and the smell of comfort and to feel like it's okay to be myself around people, especially older people, the ones in their 40's the parents of the people that I know but it's too hard I can't open up because i'm a contradiction and i'm not a liar i'm just a hider and i guess what i'm just wanting for is for someone to walk up to me and take me by the hand and lead me into the light where i can be cared for like nursed back to health and told that it's okay to be different and to feel this way that that in fact i'm not different everyone goes through this and a long time ago Tom, my friends dad told me to guard my heart because it's special but i didn't listen because i wanted to be open and i wanted to love freely and now he's there and i'm here and i can't be honest or show real emotion because even then i'd still feel ashamed that i have real emotions i'm ashamed to admit to people that i'm not as put together as i want to be, as i want you all to believe and how terribly paradoxical that is and i'm just waiting for the door to open and for the sunlight to come in and you'll walk in and put clothes on me and lead me out of shit that's all around me and you'll say that you don't judge me and that i am loved and then we'd go away and i'd forget all about this past but the scars would remind me of how it felt to be burned for the first time but they don't make me ugly no no they don't they make me beautiful and everyone will love me all the more so because of who i am, not less like i always thought even as a little kid laying there in the middle of the living room floor watching the sealing fan click or really late at night on a school night trying to sleep on the bathroom floor because they're in my room to take me away and i can't go back inside there until daylight and you might be the daylight and here i am my door is open and i'm here waiting, wasting away.