i feel like shit in more ways than one.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
i just keep waiting for a person or an event to push me into real emotions. which is why i think i want a girlfriend(or at this point a boyfriend would do) because i could latch onto their and feel things through them. if that makes sense.
tripping is for teenagers, murder is for murderers and hard drugs are for bartenders.
I spent the first half of the year sober, and quit smoking. Right now I'm considering getting back into a program. Even though I reject the premise of a higher power guiding you through sobriety, to me it's a weak way to help yourself by relying on others.
But maybe we don't all have the strength to do it ourselves. I just know that I still do believe in god and alcohol is ruining my life, even though I love it, and it's the only constant in my life that I can stand to have around. This new years I'm going to try and find a decent program and see a psychiatrist.
You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell you about what I do when I'm alone, my guitar sees it all, and he'll tell you.
This year I went to Pensacola and had a blast and broke my wrist in a bike race and it was insanely fun.
I spent thousands of dollars on musical equipment, then sold it all. I recorded a pretty decent sounding EP, which is almost finished.
I saw St. Augustine, which is a beautiful city.
I fell in love, the hardest in my life and got engaged, hastily, and then a lot of shit happened and I started drinking again, heavily, we broke up and that was that.
Life this year was basically hell for me, most of the year.
I moved three times.
I wore the same clothes most of the year. Only two pairs of jeans, about 5 shirts. I've been wearing the one I'm wearing now for about 2 weeks, and about 2-3 times a week since I got it in September. I wonder if my co-workers notice and think I'm crazy, or just poor.
The reality is that I get comfortable with one thing, I need it in my life. Little shards of consistency.
The Hold Steady, Paramore, Feist, Morrissey, The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, and a few more bands really held me together this year.
There's this one Avett Brothers lyric that gets me,
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town,
Cause nothin happens here that doesn’t happen there.
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from,
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane
To chase you anywhere.
Yow, that's me.
I thought about suicide more this year than ever, so much that a lot of times i just had the loaded gun just sitting out, around the house, which was interesting.
I may quit life in 2009 and just run away, and go anywhere and everywhere, because I have nothing to loose, and that makes me fun, and dangerous, and free. It's not that I don't have anything to live for, it's just that regular life isn't worth living, if it's not extraordinary.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
in my life i've never made my bed.
i told a girl at work that if she won the lottery tonight that i'd go back to church, what are the fucking odds?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
relatedly, i really miss bradenton. as i was leaving my grandparents house i turned left to go home and drove, without realizing it to my old house. oops.
oh yeah, i'm a total shit bag because i forgot my sister loves me and i didnt get her anything for xmas and her and her bf got me stuff.
fuck my life.
i guess i'm supost to go see my family today but id honestly rather watch USA network. i didnt buy anyone any presents and all i really want is stuff i cant have.
I guess I should take a shower and get in the car.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Honestly(expect anything less?), 11 years ago today, I lost my virginity to my then girlfriend. Then we went to the mall and I bought the record that changed my life.
The part that really sold me on it was the drum fill in Champagne Supernova, the one right before the last chorus and outro, that made me want to make music, it was that fucking brilliant.
I even wrote a song about the day, one of the lyrics "December 23rd, what could it hurt?"
What I'm saying is that I need to get out of this job, and begin making music full time. I'm going crazy otherwise, literally.
I also love 24, Jack Bauer is all business, take no shit, get the job done kinda guy. He produces results and will stop at nothing to prove the truth and uphold liberty and protect America lives.
The connection between me and these two fictional television shows(however pathetic) is this.
Apart from all the medical mumbojumbo and snarkyness and the cool moves and killing is that I, all I really want is to be able to care as much about anything as these guys care about what they do. I just don't care, about anything. I mean sure I have friends that I care for and would go to great lengths for, but overall, there's nothing bigger than myself that I care enough about to do anything at all.
People can die, and I'm not really sad, I'm just inconvenienced by their deaths, natural disasters occur, acts of terror, I don't care, what I get from these things are watching them on TV and trying to connect to the real human emotion that the people touched by tragedy feel. That's the closest I can come to feeling anything, there is no catharsis.
This is why pain appeals to me, why I drink heavily, and why I'm so fascinated and saddened that I've never truly felt pain, or inflicted pain on anyone.
I need something else to lift me out of what I don't feel.
What does it feel like to kill a man? To emotionally hurt someone? I don't know, because I can't access anything other than myself and what i'm doing in the moment.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
So this morning I'm putzing around listening to old The Gloria Record and Elliott and I started thinking about what I was doing back like, in the day.(think early 2000's)
And so I was like, what the fuck was I doing all that time, when I could have been traveling and making music etc. Granted I did tour a bit with my lame hardcore band(people actually liked us) but I realized that I was so content to just be me, in my early 20's that I forgot to realize how much potential I had and now that I realize all of this most of those opportunities are gone.
Blah blah right, the POINT I'm trying to make is that I didn't work that much when I was younger, I didn't really travel, I just hung around with my friends who have all gone on to do some really cool shit, or ended up happy with their lives now.
In September and early October I recorded an album and I get to hear the mixed version of it later this afternoon. I'm kinda stoked. Will this be my last chance out? Will I be able to make something of myself from the creative side of me? Do you know anyone in the publishing world so that I can get my book thing going? Will I ever stop blowing things out of proportion? Why is everything in my life so black and white, win and loose?
Oh yeah, and I found out that I may have to quit my job and move in with my grandparents(grandmas blind, grandpas deaf and partially paralyzed) to take care of them through their dying days. Not that I really want to suffer through this, it's that I don't want them to suffer the indignity of a old folks home.
Alright, let's hear it for Life and its Unforeseen Circumstances!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Right as I was crawling into bed I checked my email from my phone(Motorola Q) and I had received a new comment on my last blog!
If yo want to read it go back and take a look Here.
I was slightly taken aback, I didn't know if I should feel insulted of encouraged by the comment in question, since part of it is snarky and borderline rude, and then at times seems somewhat uplifting.
Of course the comment was made anonymously. It's likely that no one, not even crack criminal detective Bobby Goren could find out who this commenter is!
It doesn't matter I guess.
I'll make a few points though.
1. I'm not like, you know good with punctuations and spelling. My time in college was very limited and I didn't may much attention in school anyways, so please try and look past all my grammatical errors. I just "write" and use punctuations as they come to me naturally.
2. I have not fallen off my bike in a long time, and not for lack of trying.
Blogger, today I had a pretty decent burrito, I gave my dog a bath and I've got the day off tomorrow so I'll probably spend some good ol' time in the saddle.
And to my anonymous friend, I've got some guesses as to whom you are, and I say identify yourself, what harm could it cause. AND maybe I would really value your input into my writing. After all your comment did keep me up half the night(honest), thinking about who you are and evaluating my self rigorously.
Time to pee, I've been holding it in while I type.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
TAKE THE TIME TO ENJOY YOUR JOB, PEOPLE.
I'm sitting in the training room using the internet. Something that is TOTALLY acceptable in Sarasota but here it's some how taboo. I don't get it.
Life will roll you like a cracked out mugger.
Here's my saturday(saturday's suck) advice.
1.Take your time, there's no rush, just to the grave so slow down("you move to fast, you've got to make the moment last", thanks Paul Simon).
2.Stop competing with everyone for everything, you're not getting anywhere faster than anyone else(we all move toward death at the same rate).
3. Smile at people. It works, honest.
4.Eat really good food. Even if it's not in your budget, you'll reap the rewards and you'll feel better about yourself.
5. Go outside. Seriously, a little sunshine never killed anyone and mother nature may just make you smile.
6. Let someone go ahead of you, it's easy, you just say "no you go first" and hold out your hand in a gesture of allowing them to pass. Shit like that really can make someone's day.
7.It's okay to be critical, of others and yourself but if you're like me and spend the majority of your time alone it's almost to much to judge yourself to harshly. People will forgive you, forgive yourself.
8.This one is optional. Take drugs. Why not let go once and a while?
ALSO, I'd like to mention that I need to add an item to my x-mas wish list. I need a comb. I haven't combed my hair in almost a year. I've been relying on my fingers and the wind, but now I want to get serious and really give those hairs a run through.
Friday, December 12, 2008
What do you get for the man who has nothing?
Let's get started!
1.Macbook Pro. You have no idea how much I need this machine.(i'll settle for a mac mini
2. Super siqq commuter bike, like the one your grandfather had in WWII.
3. A new car? Or just pay my insurance.
4. As long as we're paying for stuff, pay my rent for 1 month, that'd be swell.
5. Or make Whole Foods Market build a Gainesville Store, so that I can move back there, and then pay my rent there for a month.
6. A garbage can. I've been living in Naples for like 3 months without one. Sad Face.
7. Oh, I don't have internet in my house either, so that'd be nice; but not Comcast, they're awful.
8. I'd like a book deal for my book, all I want is like 10grand, nothing fancy, and world wide distribution.
9. Or a record deal, I just finished recording a solid LP, I wouldn't mind touring with that.
10. For christmas, maybe you can let me live without paranoia, or without the pain in my leg, both cause me a lot of stress and if you relieved me of one of these things, I'd be forever grateful.
Keep in mind that this is a wish list, I don't expect to get everything I want for Christmas, but you know, the Macbook would be nice.
Oh and throw in some recese pieces on earth and mr.good bar towards men.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I'll try, right now to make a partial list of the books I read.
edit scratch that, it's too much to think of off the top of my head. ha.
I woke up early so that I could go to the Chiropractor, not blog, so I should do that.
Oh yeah, I'm in love with this chiropractor I met at the mall, who came in to Whole Foods yesterday.
Like I said, I'm a dreamer!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Also, I honestly hate being sober, I know that I have a problem, like that I am an alcoholic I know it. But the shitty part is that when I'm sober I can't sleep, like at all. I also get paranoid, and I become obsessive and moreover compulsive. I'll clean things repeatedly for weeks and then live in total squalor for a month. I'll drink over 100oz of water a hour and chew ice in a really weird way, I chain smoke. These are not exaggerations.
When I drink I can fuckin' relax and just let life go by instead of being all pissy about stupid shit like what I want to do with my life.
You could say, "oh michael, when you drink you're just not facing your problems...that's why you like it" but that's not the truth. When I'm drunk I face shit, I just don't take it so personally and I'll let things slide. I'm just tired of being either sober and fucking crazy(read back a few monthsago, or drunk and hating myself for being drunk.
Isn't there a happy medium... say sober and hating myself, like normal people?
Friday, December 5, 2008
The problem with dreamers is that the reason they're dreamers is because they're not doers. DOING takes money, and you dream because you can't obtain your dream. Rich people aren't dreamers, they just do because they can.
In this world there are two types of people, those who want to be Astronomers & those who want to be Astronauts, the astronomer gets to study all of theses great things from far away, but they never get to go into space.
I suppose what I'm meaning to say is that Growing up in a beach town, never more than 10 minutes from the water, winter time is a magical time for the beach. Cold weather is such an anomaly for the beach to me, which is why it makes it all that more special.
What am I gonna do?
When I really think about it, it's the only place I want to live. Taking Cortez out to the beach and going north seeing what I believe is the last true blue collar beach town on the west coast of Florida. Or drive south and see some of the whitest sand in the entire world and coquina shells everywhere. A downtown that's not getting any bigger, my house that's minutes from the beach, the fucking smell of orange peels because they make Tropicana orange juice a few miles away.
Sure there's no jobs, and there are 3 cars for ever 1 person, but fuck I love it.
I could move to Copenhagen, and be happy and I'd still miss that tiny beach town, I can't get over it like how you can't get over your ex's, you just want to go back to them, it's all you know.
I could go to New York and maybe be happy, being an anonymous mess and I'd still want to go back and live in the old house I grew up in.
Listen, I'm DYING to see what's out there, the entire world, but like an addict I always come back to fucking Bradenton. And here's the deal, I don't want to feel this way, I envy people who feel like they can just moved city to city hanging out and never coming home.
I hate myself for what I haven't accomplished.
Fountains and flourescent lights.
When season has come
the snowbirds have crowded the nights.
And old townies are tired
of the beaches and bars
being packed so tight.
And bridges, and traffic, and inlets,
are locked in their fight.
And on these boats,
ride the hopes of working class boys,
dreaming of girls, from far away points.
And better things. Like winter flings.
And longing after spring has sprung.
And they fly north when winter's done.
And we get burned in summer's sun.
Fountains and fluorescent lights.
When season has come
the snowbirds have crowded the nights.
And young townies and tourists
find unlikely love at first sight.
And swear that they're never leaving
and that is their plight.
This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never leaving,
until your flight,
takes you off,
and out of my arms,
and into the air,
so far from your charms,
that I can not bare,
in this long forgotten beach town,
we once shared.
This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never
leaving me again.
No, not again.