Wednesday, December 31, 2008

So, 2008. A phrase comes to mind, A Final Ending To A Long Summer...

I spent the first half of the year sober, and quit smoking. Right now I'm considering getting back into a program. Even though I reject the premise of a higher power guiding you through sobriety, to me it's a weak way to help yourself by relying on others.

But maybe we don't all have the strength to do it ourselves. I just know that I still do believe in god and alcohol is ruining my life, even though I love it, and it's the only constant in my life that I can stand to have around. This new years I'm going to try and find a decent program and see a psychiatrist.

You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell you about what I do when I'm alone, my guitar sees it all, and he'll tell you.

This year I went to Pensacola and had a blast and broke my wrist in a bike race and it was insanely fun.

I spent thousands of dollars on musical equipment, then sold it all. I recorded a pretty decent sounding EP, which is almost finished.

I saw St. Augustine, which is a beautiful city.

I fell in love, the hardest in my life and got engaged, hastily, and then a lot of shit happened and I started drinking again, heavily, we broke up and that was that.

Life this year was basically hell for me, most of the year.

I moved three times.

I wore the same clothes most of the year. Only two pairs of jeans, about 5 shirts. I've been wearing the one I'm wearing now for about 2 weeks, and about 2-3 times a week since I got it in September. I wonder if my co-workers notice and think I'm crazy, or just poor.
The reality is that I get comfortable with one thing, I need it in my life. Little shards of consistency.

The Hold Steady, Paramore, Feist, Morrissey, The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, and a few more bands really held me together this year.

There's this one Avett Brothers lyric that gets me,
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town,
Cause nothin happens here that doesn’t happen there.
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from,
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane
To chase you anywhere.

Yow, that's me.

I thought about suicide more this year than ever, so much that a lot of times i just had the loaded gun just sitting out, around the house, which was interesting.

I may quit life in 2009 and just run away, and go anywhere and everywhere, because I have nothing to loose, and that makes me fun, and dangerous, and free. It's not that I don't have anything to live for, it's just that regular life isn't worth living, if it's not extraordinary.

Goodbye, 2008.