Tuesday, December 23, 2008

So here's what I'm getting at. I love the show House MD because House and I share similar ailments, and I identify with his temperament. Also he's pretty badass because he saves lives all the time.

I also love 24, Jack Bauer is all business, take no shit, get the job done kinda guy. He produces results and will stop at nothing to prove the truth and uphold liberty and protect America lives.

The connection between me and these two fictional television shows(however pathetic) is this.

Apart from all the medical mumbojumbo and snarkyness and the cool moves and killing is that I, all I really want is to be able to care as much about anything as these guys care about what they do. I just don't care, about anything. I mean sure I have friends that I care for and would go to great lengths for, but overall, there's nothing bigger than myself that I care enough about to do anything at all.

People can die, and I'm not really sad, I'm just inconvenienced by their deaths, natural disasters occur, acts of terror, I don't care, what I get from these things are watching them on TV and trying to connect to the real human emotion that the people touched by tragedy feel. That's the closest I can come to feeling anything, there is no catharsis.

This is why pain appeals to me, why I drink heavily, and why I'm so fascinated and saddened that I've never truly felt pain, or inflicted pain on anyone.
I need something else to lift me out of what I don't feel.

What does it feel like to kill a man? To emotionally hurt someone? I don't know, because I can't access anything other than myself and what i'm doing in the moment.