Monday, March 30, 2009

I haven't really been eating regularly, and I'm taking a lot of advil and I still can't fall asleep and I feel like I want to throw up I just work myself up so much worrying, feeling ashamed for my actions and then in public I act flippant, like what I do has no consequence and I keep checking my email and writing in a secret blog really scary things and my hands shake and I drink lots of water and listen to all of the saddest songs trying to get through this and checking my email and refreshing everything trying to forge real human connections and failing and feeling that I did everything wrong and wanting to go back to that like saturday night over mexican food and thinking about saying everything differently, not saying different words but phrasing the words i did speak in another way so that i could be heard and understood more easily and if i could cry i would, because i want to but it's too hard to cry and even if i did i'd probably just get embarrassed by my crying because if anyone was looking through my window at me they'd know that i was forcing it, making it up, trying to cry to look cool or honest and i've never been able to say what i want, say what i mean to who i want to say it to because i'm such a coward because i'm so disconnected but all i really want is connection and i'm 100% certain that if i could i would give up all of my possession and all of my money and all of my knowledge for real human interaction on a intimate level not sexual but openness and honesty and a hug that means it and the smell of comfort and to feel like it's okay to be myself around people, especially older people, the ones in their 40's the parents of the people that I know but it's too hard I can't open up because i'm a contradiction and i'm not a liar i'm just a hider and i guess what i'm just wanting for is for someone to walk up to me and take me by the hand and lead me into the light where i can be cared for like nursed back to health and told that it's okay to be different and to feel this way that that in fact i'm not different everyone goes through this and a long time ago Tom, my friends dad told me to guard my heart because it's special but i didn't listen because i wanted to be open and i wanted to love freely and now he's there and i'm here and i can't be honest or show real emotion because even then i'd still feel ashamed that i have real emotions i'm ashamed to admit to people that i'm not as put together as i want to be, as i want you all to believe and how terribly paradoxical that is and i'm just waiting for the door to open and for the sunlight to come in and you'll walk in and put clothes on me and lead me out of shit that's all around me and you'll say that you don't judge me and that i am loved and then we'd go away and i'd forget all about this past but the scars would remind me of how it felt to be burned for the first time but they don't make me ugly no no they don't they make me beautiful and everyone will love me all the more so because of who i am, not less like i always thought even as a little kid laying there in the middle of the living room floor watching the sealing fan click or really late at night on a school night trying to sleep on the bathroom floor because they're in my room to take me away and i can't go back inside there until daylight and you might be the daylight and here i am my door is open and i'm here waiting, wasting away.

One word - Majestic.

It's Here!!!!!!!!!!

Breakfast with my only friends. Not pictured, Cassie, who although not included in the photo is equally important.

Fuck me, I feel like Doug Coughlin. Don't know who he is, google it.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Lance Armstrong has a son named Luke. According to his twitter his son has entered into a Pinewood derby, you know where fathers and sons, together build a wooden car to race down a track.

Lance refers to his son as "Lukestrong". Is it just me or would being like a 12 year old and having your official nickname named after one of the strongest and most recognizable brand in the world a HUGE psychological advantage?

How do those other poor kids cope with this?

"Oh greattttt, dad. The Armstrong's are here." Is probably what the other kids would say.

haha, I love over analyzing everything.

Here's a photo from Lance's twitpic


In seven days these will be in my possession. I can't lie, I'm pretty excited.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I am now making a formal, albeit pathetic decision(via blog) to announce that after tonight, I am attempting to quit drinking alcohol.

I am an alcoholic and make poor decisions whilst drunk therefore making me fat and ashamed. This is straining the relationships that I currently have with friends and family and further jeopardizing future relationships with humans in the future.

I am afraid for my own safety at times fearing harm that I may cause myself or to others due to means that I wish not to post about.

I, at times am very strong, in some respects. I have given up a lot in my lifetime, alcohol unfortunately has a very strong grip on me.

I was sober once, for an extended period of time but it brought me to tears to give it up(picture Homer Simpson weeping over the fact that he's out of beer).

I do not expect this to be easy. As we all may know, I never make my own life easy, why would I? I revel in the struggle because I feel that in some sick way it adds meaning to life which probably has no real metaphysical meaning.

Further, I may end up being more reclusive as culture dictates that alcohol be involved in every aspect of social life.

There is so much that I want out of life and yes, most of these things are vain, self serving achievements or goals or objects and being a heavy drinker, although good at it does not factor into my vain goals of self image, status conquests or monetary acquirement.

I know, and truly believe that Messrs. Hemingway, Bukowski, Thompson are angered and saddened at my decision. And although I wish greatly to please these men I can not continue in my current lifestyle.

It's either quit this, or cease to exist, physically on this earth. Both options are viable and valid, but at this time, for now i choose to change. Or try to.

Thank you all for your concern, feigned or genuine, just the perception that someone cares means a lot to me, being as shallow as I am.
Hey guys, wanna see what my house looks like now that I cleaned it up today?

Neat thing happened, my friend Jeff has featured me on his youtube site, he gets a lot of hits and views so I'm stoked.

Thanks, Jeff!
So I had the wildest dream that my friend Ricky Hayberg, who is quasi internet famous(he did merch and hung around with From First To Last for like the past 5 years), he does have like 88k friends on myspace haha. ANYWAYS

He and I moved to NYC(because I got a book deal and he was bored) but instead of like living there with me he spent all day everyday hang gliding, without ever coming down from the sky.

We also saw the city and like hung around and did normal things like grocery shopping etc.

Anyways, this just confirms that I'm moving, in the summer to Portland and nothing will stop me.

Here's a video I just recorded.

Let me know what you think.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

If you read this, leave a comment so that I feel better about myself and what i've just written, becuase you know, it's important to me. Kinda.

I don't know that I want to use blogger anymore. I prefer Tumblr. I find the user interface of blogger ridged and un-responsive and its lack of media capabilities is annoying too.

I only really keep it because it's like a time capsule of my life, I tend to only post seriously here, like I did last night. Tumblr is more of a flash, it's users post multiple times a day, and at times it's hard to keep up with the content of the people that you choose to follow. For example, just check out my tumblr HeyMikeWaskom. It's full of media, and random blurbs about such. I like that aspect.

A drawback to blogger is that I don't feel that people really read my posts here(due to lack of comments), that they realize that the content is always serious and soul searching, or at the least very honest and readers tend to skip over such content. We don't want to get too involved in the emotional development of those around us, because then it would force us to examine our own selves.

Of course there's the problem of wanting what basically equates to an emotional handjob when it comes to blogs. I want you to read my posts and to comment about how tragic I am and how you too, someone just like me identifies with my problems and how, eventually everything will be alright.

When in reality things don't work themselves out, rather bigger problems occur and the previous problems fade into the background of our consciousness and further become a hindrance to our emotional, spiritual and social development.

And that's where I am now. So, leave a comment with what YOU think about all this because I don't want the comments that are like, "ur so sad, i like u".

What i really want with these posts(what I hope I've been doing all along) is leaving the questions and queries open ended for discussion. I want you to discuss in the comments, I want to spark conversation(that of course centers around me).

Christ, this movie better be really good. I'm getting tickets asap and standing in line to see it opening night, I may even dress up... Just sayin'.
Ok, so just to be honest I want nothing more than for you to come over on like a Sunday afternoon and watch movies that meant a lot to me, with me. Movies like Newsies and Flight of the Navigator and we'd read books like Where The Sidewalk Ends and be all cute and I could hold your hand and like at the end of the night kiss you and you'd blush.

I mean, I don't think that things I want are out of my reach(maybe I just don't know the right path to take).

I get really bummed at times, but like at least twice a week you're in my dreams(always PG), and I can't get you out.

I feel really overwhelmed and can't breath sometimes.

Just sayin'.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Last post for tonight....

Anyone from Naples wanna go to Bradenton sometime soon so that I can get my cameras? I'll treat you really sweet and let you meet my grandparents if you drive me.

I've stopped taking their calls(all family), which is their cues to know that I'm depressed when I can't bring myself to talk to them, because I'm disappointed in myself.

I feel like such an asshole because I am an asshole.

Oh memory lane, why are you unpaved and filled with ruts from the rain?

She took this photo a year and 6 days ago,

I wore this shirt today. Interesting.

From NikonCamera

because it's late

and i'm sleeping weirder and weirder hours, went to bed at 930ish and woke up a bit after one.

48 hours without alcohol. I've got to be up at 5ish to go to the other coast.

My aversions to flickr has always been its mildly annoying user interface(on the client side), limited free storage capacity(google give me 1024MB FREE, flickr only 200 photos) but mainly is its association with YAHOO! which is really annoying since I'm a google guy.

Granted the Picasa site that google uses isn't the prettiest, but it makes sense and works really smoothly.

Anyways, I don't know how or why I go off on these stupid rants. I guess it's because despite how I present myself, I think EVERYTHING through. I leave nothing to chance and I've always got a plan, concerning everything, it's a little sick but it's a control issue. I can't not have it, and hence, I think about everything in detail, which sometimes makes it hard to put down on "paper" because I don't know where I want to stop and start the information that I'm providing. Even now, I'm wondering if I'm saying too much, explaining my explaining.

Monday, March 23, 2009

stamps are expensive

I got some post cards, so yeah, if you don't live near me and want a postcard,
me your address.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Maybe the world is blind
Or just a little unkind

Seems you can't be sure
Of anything anymore

You may be
lonely and then
One day you're smiling again

Every time I turn around
see the girl who turns my world around
Standing there

Every time I turn
Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground
What's gonna be
we'll just wait and see

In my wildest dreams
I've never seen anything

With some give and take
The moves we make
Can't miss

She's got her
own special way
Of magically making my day

Every time I turn around
I see
the girl who turns my world around
Standing there

Every time I turn
Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground
What's gonna be
we'll just wait...

...and see
Where it's leading me
Wherever I go
All I
know is...

Every time I turn around....

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Kristen and I bought this huge thing of vitamins last year... Well after the breakup I kept the jar. Now I take 2 a day to get rid of em.

Hope she's healthy.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I work with the most weak willed, spineless, pussyfooted men I have ever encountered. I'm flabbergasted, I really am, and I have never, never typed that word before. It's almost like I've been waiting my entire life to be as baffled as I am today.

I have no idea what's going on and I can't believe that this is my Reality.

Get me out of this city.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

What if I quit drinking and started smoking again?

I'm torn.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

So thanks to getting black out drunk by 10pm last night I had the most amazing dream, ever.

I was a baseball player from the Tampa Bay Rays and I was in the dugout and a fly ball comes near and I jump out of the dugout and run into the stands and catch it, before some dumb lady can catch it.

Then I'm at the plate and I'm kinda talking to the pitcher and I'm all like "why don't you pitch it underhand, you won't" and he does but I don't swing!

Then I'm still at bat and I ask him to autograph the ball that I caught so that I could give it to the lady who would have caught it, then he pitches me underhand again, and I swing, HOMERUN!

Then the garbage truck outside woke me up and I've basically been dealing with an awful hangover all day.

Oh, also I covered the walls in notebook paper and then drew all over em with crayons markers and charcoal. I filmed it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

PPL over at FLfixed think that I'm funny. It's almost worth it. One day, one day, I'll have mine.

In case you didn't know, I post blogs like I'm actually talking to someone....

So yeah, I had a really hard day, for a lot of reasons, a few of which I'm contractually not allowed to talk about, and yes; I'm depressed about a couple of things, that I may or may not have the power to fix but fuck it.

I've been, well drunk since 7pm, and I don't know if I'll be sober tomorrow(morning) either.

I'm just so sick of being in control of my out of control life. You don't see it, well it' there.

I'm going to explode, and after I'm done, I won't be getting my security deposit back.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A kid in a fixed gear bicycle forum I'm a part of was bitching about a photo of a geared bike being posted in a thread called "bike porn", which is basically photos of really nice bikes.

here's the picture...

His comment;
"is that a derailleur i see?
get that shit out of here!"

My response, which I really like, for some reason, and I wanted to note it in the annals of my blogdom, or whatever- basically just to remind myself that, sure I'm witty.

Hey, all porn doesn't have to be simple and easy to manipulate(fixed gear). sometimes porn is complex and hard to understand, like a french girl who's a swinger who tell you that she wants you, now, but when you get back to her place her boyfriend is there waiting, naked, and you know, you've had some drinks and the camera's already rolling so you just figure, fuck it,(road bikes) at least you have a story to tell from your European trip beside being stuck in Dusseldorf and buying a coke a cola for 6 dollars...

I'm sober and really bored, go figure.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

It's crazy to think what the internet can do for you.
I remember like oh, 12 years ago when I first got the internet and it was kinda like a playground full of 5 year olds, everyone running around trying to do this and that and it was just a big bunch of chaotic mess.

Now, people can effectively market themselves as a brand, BASED ON THEIR PERSONALITY. Of course this has been done for years, but in the past you usually had to have done something first, like being a stand up comic who became known for one bit or character, or maybe a actress who happened to get crazy in public. They had a marketable image to sell AFTER obtaining some form of success.

Here we're seeing someone, who was completely unknown and became "famous" based on their personality through the internet. No prior fame or achievement required- the internet discovers the new talent.

ijustine really creeps me out, and I'm not joking. Her flashy/sexy smile, blond hair, Midwestern family values good looks, her hot body, her obsession with Apple Computers... It's all too much. In my reality, she doesn't make sense, her existence as a famous internet person who has found success based off of nothing makes no sense. Ha, anyways, moving on.

This is being done, obviously through myspace and blogs and youtube and now twitter. Last year when I signed up for twitter I was unsure, but watch this short video, you'll be sold...

Then I watched the promo video, and I was sold. The video people, Common Craft really did a great job and I wouldn't have signed up if not for the video. Also, I never imagined that people could become "famous" using it OR that established celebrities(or famous hasbens) would use it to broaden their fanbase and stay in touch with their fans. Of course this is exactly why it was designed, I just know that the folks who run twitter didn't expect it to blow up so big. I mean, the server used to go down all the time due to heavy use.

What am I trying to say? Well, obviously I'm bummed that I'm so short sighted and or boring, because I'm not internet famous, yet.(do i even wanna be?) And also, I'm also a bit scared, because I'm starting to believe that marketing people will one day run the world.
We're too connected in the fake world, and not close enough in the real world.

Oh well, Follow me @

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I found a bunch of her old mixes and I'm listening. Yeah, I'm listening and I feel like shit and I feel really good and I feel really numb and it's been a whole year since we got together and it's been so long and it's not enough time to feel what I felt and she's moved on and here I sit.

Her mix cd's are all I have left of her, I don't want anything else.


All of this fit into my new bag. Walking into the store I weighted 187lbs and leaving I weight, with the groceries 205lbs.

It feels good to be self reliant. I know I could be self reliant with a car, but it feels a lot better without one.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I can't say that I feel pathetic, because I don't. But I do wonder if I'm judged because of my inaction. If, for some reason people think ill of me because if not taking action, when they know that I want to take action, but don't.

I present an air of indifference, where I can't be bothered by anything, when really everything gets under my skin, everything to me is personal, every issue is a sensitive one. To the point where I know that I should move out of florida, but wonder how I could ever truly function outside of the state that is florida.

I can't bring myself to leave the place where I did so little, and left so much undone.

I've been mulling over this idea in my mind, one of accepting the fact that I'm not a well adjusted person, I don't "Fit in". Facing the fact that all my idiosyncrasies are not cute, and not well received by those in my daily life. Thinking that, perhaps I am incapable of falling in love or making anyone happy, regardless of how badly I want to do both.

This is why to people like me(if for one instance I may lump myself into the realm of the "artist") the tragedy is so appealing. It's so simple and void of normalcy.

Dying young is so much easier than struggling to and becoming successful later in life.

Lazy, that's all it comes down to.

Of course I can't help but ALWAYS coming back to the fact that I don't have money, and if I did none of this would matter, in my mind money does solve everything, which is why the poor play the lottery, and the rich just lecture about frugality.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

This really bothers me...

For .71c I can buy two liters of Publix brand MT. Dew. It only takes 3.78 liters to make a gallon, so for 1.40 I can buy a gallon of soda.

Water is only about .30c cheaper than soda. For $1.43(pictured above) I can buy two liters of Mt. Dew. For $1.29 I can buy a 20oz bottle of Mt. Dew.

At sporting events across the country beer is almost always the same price if not cheaper than water.

What's the fucking point of trying to provide clean water for people in Africa and elsewhere through humanitarian causes when we could probably hand the whole thing over to private industry(Pepsi Co?) and do it cheaper AND more effectively using soda?

Think about that.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Something I figured I'd share...

So last night I got drunk and typed an email to a guy I used to go to church with. I'm having a problem dealing with my religious past, and there's a large history there which I don't care to get into now etc etc, but I wrote something that struck me and I'll share it now...

It's interesting to think that in the past 10 years I still believe in God(Jesus) but what I believe about him has changed and people I used to know still believe in God but they haven't changed as people, or haven't evolved as people one bit. They're still the same, as if they believed that God wanted them to be the same person always, not some dynamic and exciting creature.

Anyways, I'll probably always have a hard time with this, but I'm glad I got this email out of me and that it was well received by my friend.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

So! You guys have to read this and cmnt!!!

Ha, so yeah this girl from Naples found me on Tumblr ( and I read her posts, this one stands out...


I woke up sometime around ten, which is pretty late for me, and kind of just lounged around. Around 11:30 mom asked me if I wanted to go to Nordstrom which of course I did, so we got ready & went to Waterside & decided to get lunch at CPK. One of my favorite restaurants, I’ve been going since I was 4 and know most of the staff. Afterwards we went to Calypso and bought 2 shift dress, a brown cupcake dress, & a gold fluffy dress. We spent a good hour in the store talking to friends & I spent forever talking to Tristan, who is the cutest! Then we went to Cache and bought momsie 2 long sleeve sweater-shirts for our trip to CT. & Then we headed to MAC so mom could get her makeup done, it looked soooo nice, I’m glad we finally went seeing as how we’ve been talking about it for a couple months. We spent almost $200, which mom was like OMG but I was like “eh, it’s MAC.” We ran into Clare & Linda which was nice, I love running into people it always leads to fun memories like us prancing around the playground like the Spice Girls. We finally went to Nordstrom and I almost had a heart attack when I was in the purse section, Ughh I hate that I’m on purse probation and can’t buy anymore. Hopefully I’ll be off probation in New York. Momsie & I got home and watched part of kung Fu Panda with William and then we watched W. which is pretty good, it’s not my favorite but not terrible. I’m going to try to finish organizing my ITunes and collaging my wall. Calling Thalita this week, because I miss my little sis. Photo shoot later on in the week :)

OH MY GOD, read that, it's amazing. Like the life she leads. I took the liberty to bolden the most important parts of her post...

Are you fucking kidding me? This girls lives the life, and I bet, she bitches about all the bad things that happens to her, like, ONLY having 28 pairs of shoes(what about the other 3 days of the month?), having to wait in line behind a Chevy to pump her gas, having to pump her own gas, losing her lip gloss, the maid moving all her stuff, and a plethora of complaints that only one of her own kind can appreciate.

Oh well, and who am I kidding, I'll probably end up trying to date her. I mean, I did find her on facebook and add her....
Whew, what a day!

Work went alright, then on the way home I got a flat. :(

It was my first far from home flat, i was about 4 miles away from home, good thing I just yesterday bought a patch kit and mini pump.

So i take the wheel off and you know, patch the tube, and pump the tire back up and the pump works okay, nothing special, and then I get about 3 miles down and then the patch blows. Bummer.

So I hoof it home, about a mile and stop on the way to get some tall boys for my trouble.

Life could be worse.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Went to get a coffee and read a bit.

Rode over to the LBS and shot the shit with the techs, they sold me on this new mini pump that weights like 7oz and pumps a tire in under a minute. Goodbye co2 cartridges.

Also got some real good info about a bike trailer, so yeah.

Then I rolled over to this skate shop called Street One, and met the owner and bullshitted with him for about a hour, he can order fixed gear stuff, so I think i'll have him order me some new bars and other odds and ends that are specialized to fixed wheel bicycles.

Shot over to the mall and picked up a new Tampa Bay Rays hat, becuase baseball rules.

Now I'm gonna tinker with my bike and just be lazy.

Good bike riddin' today, for sure.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Melissa getting tattooed

So around christmas time my neighbor got in a argument with his wife and he got slapped and then HE got arrested, and then minutes later un-arrested(this is true, i watched it happen and then he told me about it) is moving out apparently.

All the sudden there’s moving trucks and they’re really loading up.

There’s not ONE house hold on my side of the block(besides me) who has a steady income.

Where do people go when they just pick up and move?

I snapped some pictures through the mini blinds like a creep, but then decided against posting them because the quality was too low, I have standards you know.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

So I read this blog called Boner Party, and it's about hot girls from a average guy's perspective...

Here's what he has to say;

i dont even have a caption. but women, whatever youre doing that isn’t like this, stop doing it, and do more of this.
serious Darkwing Duck boner because i want to saunter up to her with my scarf in my face and go “Lets. Get. Dangerous”. if she buys it, i’m the coolest guy in the world.


but i guess i just really, really, really want drink a whole lot of cough syrup with her and spacefuck to Spacehog’s “In The Meantime”, because sometimes, when you have a 10 over, sometimes you just gotta Keep It Real. thats what 10’s like. Keeping It Real. they may say they want Tom Brady but in reality they want a Joe Namath who will get silly-drunk and walk around the living room in their girlfriends high heels pretending he’s a duck just for a laugh.

if you don’t Keep It Real, you are relegated to a lifetime of puppy-bumping assistant managers at Hot Topic. just sayin’. do you want the best girls ever? always Keep It Real. they will come a-flockin’.

I really love how this guy equates completing some action or saying the right words with winning over a female’s heart.

I mean, I bet the guy's decently attractive, but I bet her truly believes that he could get just about any girl because he's a decent guy and funny and has personality.

Anyways, call me crazy or stupid or whatever but for some reason this guy's blog always makes me feel better, because it's so true.
So a few things...

I've been commuting by bicycle for almost 4 weeks now, averaging about 100 miles a week.
Here's what I expected.

1. to be carved out of wood, immediately. feel stronger. have lost a lot of weight
4. to have a lot of money saved from not driving.

Here's what I've got.

1. I feel good, or more correctly, I feel better.(I also quit smoking over a month ago)
2. I don't feel stronger, but I do feel better.
3. I haven't really lost weight, although I feel better about myself.
4. I've got some cash.

So, I figure that I'll start to notice weight loss after the next month, since I really didn't change my diet at all.

I think that I'm probably losing 1/2 pound per week, maybe a bit more, but since my salt intake is so high, there's really no way to gauge it due to water weight although I am cutting back a great deal on how much salt I eat.

I assume that I'll start to feel stronger, like noticeably in the next few weeks too.

I'm glad that I did this in winter, I'd hate to start getting into shape mid-summer.

So far no major burdens with not owning a car, dog food may turn out to be a problem, but I think I'll be able to get around that.

Let's Keep It Up!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What I miss most from real life now that I'm poor is snacks.

When I was a kid, we had enough snacks to last for months, there was always something laying around, waiting for you, for a time when you wanted... well to snack!

Now I eat 3 squares a day no more no less and it's hard having that kind of self control, not being able to eat whenever I want.

Of course I do drink beer whenever I want, but I want snacks too.

And I'm not poor, I make 13.50 A hour with no savings, so I guess I'm not "poor" but I'm not living it up either.

I'll know when I've reached that next level in income when I've got ho-ho's and fudge rounds and lil' bags of Doritos laying eveywhere.

Until then, I'll survive... maybe.
Last August one of my best pals Joe and his GF moved to Tempe, AZ and they were like, "come visit anytime and move out here asap." so I was like, you know whatever sure.

Little known fact, Kristen and I were suppose to move to Portland earlier this year. Obviously that didn't happen. Whatever. Saturday or so I got a email basically telling me that I had to move to Portland who Joe and Genvieve who are moving to pdx in August. I think ima do it.

I think I'll love it.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

For those of you who said it couldn't be done...

For those of you who have no faith...


My life just got 100x better.