So I'm back so sobriety insomnia, which isn't fun. Granted I did get a little drunk tuesday but that was the first time in months.
Otherwise I realized something about myself, and why I tend to push my close friends away.
All of my good friends have so many of the qualities that I really wish that I possessed.
Example time. Andrew Wyatt. Here's a guy who isn't too smart, oh he's smart alright, clever, good with electronics knows how to fix things and is extremely creative but he's not playing around with game theory in his spare time or researching cancer but he is smart. And he's pretty fucking nice, like has an amazing family that I'm really jealous of, I spent a christmas at his house once and it made me really really depressed.
He played drums(impressively) in my band and eventually moved into my house, where in less than 6 months began to hate me for who I am, or rather, what I do. I could blame this on alcohol abuse. Never-the-less I'm fairly certain that he still hates me to this day, but strangely I don't hate him for who he is, in fact I like him a great deal for standing up for himself and to me, because he was probably right, I'm a son of a bitch and don't deserve his friendship and I crave what he has, total sensitivity and the ability to guard himself from others in such a way that he only lets people in who will enrich his life. I violated that and he quickly expelled me from his life. Moving on.
Although I wouldn't call Alex Zalo a best friend, he's a guy who I greatly admire. He's nice and EVERYONE likes him. He's funny, like he could be a comedian funny. He has in my eyes limitless potential, he plays instruments well, has great taste in everything and I've never seem him put his hand to an endeavor and fail.
I defiantly took this guy for granted, like in the way that you think he'll always be around so you can always fall back to him, but one day I'll find that he's gone, away doing something important, being famous and I'll be forgotten.
Jon Caswell. Well, let's face it, I let him get away. He's truly a free(albeit tortured) soul. Try as I may, he can't be contained and I never expected to have him be my best friend forever. He and I have been through a lot over the years and I would do anything for him still to this day. Anything. He's the kind of brother I wish I could have had.
I don't even want to get into how jealous of Travis Martin is for his musical creativity and imagination. Or Aaron Beasley for being truly classy and probably being brilliant and the most humble person I know.
I would give anything in my life(probably) to be any one of these people, which is why I befriended them and why I probably, deep down hate them on some level, because they have what I don't see in myself. I don't see the good qualities I have as being good enough to be as good as anything my friends have and that is why I eventually turn away from them, in shame. Why I'll die with a bottle in my hand no matter how sober I can stay for stretches at a time and why I'll call so many in my life "best friend" but as far as I can tell, never had that favor returned.
I do want these people to read this because I want them to know, that whether they know it or not, they've affected me, they matter. I want them to know that although I may not matter as much as I to them, I would turn over the world for them.
I think that's my whole M.O. in life, completely avoiding ever living my life, being myself and always being willing to sacrifice all for others. It's not noble, it's selfish because after I sacrifice I can try and feel better about being the bad person that I am, if I can for one minute pretend to be even slightly as good as any one of my friends.
What the fuck is wrong with me?