Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'm not sure why I'm afraid of letting people in. Why I'm afraid that my psychological profile seems to fit most definitions of a sociopath, and that doesn't scare me, what scares me is that this forces me to make a decision. In my mind I should either be a cop or a criminal, or a rock star. I'm technically okay with any of those.

Over the weekend some friends of mine had a brunch at their house. I'm sure that if I would have been in town that I would have been invited. I would not have gone, becuase seeing the pictures on facebook I know that there is no way that I could have interacted on any level with all of those people, even though they're my friends, and I like all of them a lot, I just don't know how to do it.

That's the scariest thing in my life, knowing that I can't interact with people. Sure I'm good at playing the roll of a normal person, being funny and genial, but inside I explode.

I'll also admit that for some reason I'm ashamed that I've never felt extreme physical pain, like being shot, and why I feel like less of a man because I've never killed an animal for food or killed a man to save my own life, like in a war time situation.

All I have is my psyche and poverty, and of course my bicycle. Just now I wondered aloud why I like bicycling so much. Its a solitary thing to do.

I should just join the CIA and do everything that comes naturally. Being paranoid, sneaky, deceitful, and secretive.

Too bad my vision kept me from military service, even though I had high ASVAB scores.

Oh well, time for work!