so i just vomited blood and even though i feel really fucking bad im still having a hard time not stopping at the liquor store.

i feel like shit in more ways than one.

i realize that i stare at people alot. and i think about what its like to be them. because i dont feel like a human. the only reconizeable human emotion i feel is despair, and sometimes rage(which morphs into hate). i just dont feel connected to anything.

i just keep waiting for a person or an event to push me into real emotions. which is why i think i want a girlfriend(or at this point a boyfriend would do) because i could latch onto their and feel things through them. if that makes sense.

oh well.
tripping is for teenagers, murder is for murderers and hard drugs are for bartenders.

So, 2008. A phrase comes to mind, A Final Ending To A Long Summer...

I spent the first half of the year sober, and quit smoking. Right now I'm considering getting back into a program. Even though I reject the premise of a higher power guiding you through sobriety, to me it's a weak way to help yourself by relying on others.

But maybe we don't all have the strength to do it ourselves. I just know that I still do believe in god and alcohol is ruining my life, even though I love it, and it's the only constant in my life that I can stand to have around. This new years I'm going to try and find a decent program and see a psychiatrist.

You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell you about what I do when I'm alone, my guitar sees it all, and he'll tell you.

This year I went to Pensacola and had a blast and broke my wrist in a bike race and it was insanely fun.

I spent thousands of dollars on musical equipment, then sold it all. I recorded a pretty decent sounding EP, which is almost finished.

I saw St. Augustine, which is a beautiful city.

I fell in love, the hardest in my life and got engaged, hastily, and then a lot of shit happened and I started drinking again, heavily, we broke up and that was that.

Life this year was basically hell for me, most of the year.

I moved three times.

I wore the same clothes most of the year. Only two pairs of jeans, about 5 shirts. I've been wearing the one I'm wearing now for about 2 weeks, and about 2-3 times a week since I got it in September. I wonder if my co-workers notice and think I'm crazy, or just poor.
The reality is that I get comfortable with one thing, I need it in my life. Little shards of consistency.

The Hold Steady, Paramore, Feist, Morrissey, The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, and a few more bands really held me together this year.

There's this one Avett Brothers lyric that gets me,
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town,
Cause nothin happens here that doesn’t happen there.
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from,
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane
To chase you anywhere.


Yow, that's me.

I thought about suicide more this year than ever, so much that a lot of times i just had the loaded gun just sitting out, around the house, which was interesting.

I may quit life in 2009 and just run away, and go anywhere and everywhere, because I have nothing to loose, and that makes me fun, and dangerous, and free. It's not that I don't have anything to live for, it's just that regular life isn't worth living, if it's not extraordinary.

Goodbye, 2008.

the bigger problem is that i really like this girl but i'm terrified that being honest will ruin everything. it can't always be this complicated can it?(life i mean)

how much do i have to drink to gain the courage to do what i can't do sober? i wonder what they'd find after i'm gone? an unfinished game of solitare, empty bottle, my hungry dog.

in my life i've never made my bed.
i told a girl at work that if she won the lottery tonight that i'd go back to church, what are the fucking odds?

parties bumpin cops comin'.

oh you know

i'm not drunk tonight because of the insufferable pain in my leg, although i did not take any excedrine today(bummer). rather, i'm drunk because i lied to my dying grandmother, telling her that "i dont really drink anymore.

relatedly, i really miss bradenton. as i was leaving my grandparents house i turned left to go home and drove, without realizing it to my old house. oops.

oh yeah, i'm a total shit bag because i forgot my sister loves me and i didnt get her anything for xmas and her and her bf got me stuff.

fuck my life.

last night i had a fun time even though i missed the end of National Treasure. but i did get to get pretty drunk so you take the good you take the bad.

i guess i'm supost to go see my family today but id honestly rather watch USA network. i didnt buy anyone any presents and all i really want is stuff i cant have.

I guess I should take a shower and get in the car.

I'm sorry.

that i have a hard time hanging out with my friends. i cant be out and about without basically having a panic attack. i really do want to see my friends at parties and have fun but i just sit here drinking and worrying about silly things. i'm a cripple, emotionally.

Oh and I left out the fact that I hate my life, working a day job.

Honestly(expect anything less?), 11 years ago today, I lost my virginity to my then girlfriend. Then we went to the mall and I bought the record that changed my life.



The part that really sold me on it was the drum fill in Champagne Supernova, the one right before the last chorus and outro, that made me want to make music, it was that fucking brilliant.

I even wrote a song about the day, one of the lyrics "December 23rd, what could it hurt?"

What I'm saying is that I need to get out of this job, and begin making music full time. I'm going crazy otherwise, literally.

So here's what I'm getting at. I love the show House MD because House and I share similar ailments, and I identify with his temperament. Also he's pretty badass because he saves lives all the time.

I also love 24, Jack Bauer is all business, take no shit, get the job done kinda guy. He produces results and will stop at nothing to prove the truth and uphold liberty and protect America lives.

The connection between me and these two fictional television shows(however pathetic) is this.

Apart from all the medical mumbojumbo and snarkyness and the cool moves and killing is that I, all I really want is to be able to care as much about anything as these guys care about what they do. I just don't care, about anything. I mean sure I have friends that I care for and would go to great lengths for, but overall, there's nothing bigger than myself that I care enough about to do anything at all.

People can die, and I'm not really sad, I'm just inconvenienced by their deaths, natural disasters occur, acts of terror, I don't care, what I get from these things are watching them on TV and trying to connect to the real human emotion that the people touched by tragedy feel. That's the closest I can come to feeling anything, there is no catharsis.

This is why pain appeals to me, why I drink heavily, and why I'm so fascinated and saddened that I've never truly felt pain, or inflicted pain on anyone.
I need something else to lift me out of what I don't feel.

What does it feel like to kill a man? To emotionally hurt someone? I don't know, because I can't access anything other than myself and what i'm doing in the moment.

I was going to open this post up by bitching about all the time I've wasted in my life but... well I still will do as such.

So this morning I'm putzing around listening to old The Gloria Record and Elliott and I started thinking about what I was doing back like, in the day.(think early 2000's)

And so I was like, what the fuck was I doing all that time, when I could have been traveling and making music etc. Granted I did tour a bit with my lame hardcore band(people actually liked us) but I realized that I was so content to just be me, in my early 20's that I forgot to realize how much potential I had and now that I realize all of this most of those opportunities are gone.

Blah blah right, the POINT I'm trying to make is that I didn't work that much when I was younger, I didn't really travel, I just hung around with my friends who have all gone on to do some really cool shit, or ended up happy with their lives now.


In September and early October I recorded an album and I get to hear the mixed version of it later this afternoon. I'm kinda stoked. Will this be my last chance out? Will I be able to make something of myself from the creative side of me? Do you know anyone in the publishing world so that I can get my book thing going? Will I ever stop blowing things out of proportion? Why is everything in my life so black and white, win and loose?


Oh yeah, and I found out that I may have to quit my job and move in with my grandparents(grandmas blind, grandpas deaf and partially paralyzed) to take care of them through their dying days. Not that I really want to suffer through this, it's that I don't want them to suffer the indignity of a old folks home.

Alright, let's hear it for Life and its Unforeseen Circumstances!

So the end of the weekend was rainy. Boo hoo right? Well all I did anyways was stay in and watch the House marathon, so the rain suited me just fine.

Right as I was crawling into bed I checked my email from my phone(Motorola Q) and I had received a new comment on my last blog!

If yo want to read it go back and take a look Here.

I was slightly taken aback, I didn't know if I should feel insulted of encouraged by the comment in question, since part of it is snarky and borderline rude, and then at times seems somewhat uplifting.

Of course the comment was made anonymously. It's likely that no one, not even crack criminal detective Bobby Goren could find out who this commenter is!



It doesn't matter I guess.

I'll make a few points though.

1. I'm not like, you know good with punctuations and spelling. My time in college was very limited and I didn't may much attention in school anyways, so please try and look past all my grammatical errors. I just "write" and use punctuations as they come to me naturally.

2. I have not fallen off my bike in a long time, and not for lack of trying.



ANYWAYS

Blogger, today I had a pretty decent burrito, I gave my dog a bath and I've got the day off tomorrow so I'll probably spend some good ol' time in the saddle.

And to my anonymous friend, I've got some guesses as to whom you are, and I say identify yourself, what harm could it cause. AND maybe I would really value your input into my writing. After all your comment did keep me up half the night(honest), thinking about who you are and evaluating my self rigorously.

Time to pee, I've been holding it in while I type.

At Work

Everyone walks around this place like everything that they do is so goddamned important. Everyone's in a hurry. Just realize that you're in a failing store even though it just opened, your leadership team blows ass and just take a pill and relax.

TAKE THE TIME TO ENJOY YOUR JOB, PEOPLE.

I'm sitting in the training room using the internet. Something that is TOTALLY acceptable in Sarasota but here it's some how taboo. I don't get it.

Life will roll you like a cracked out mugger.

Here's my saturday(saturday's suck) advice.

1.Take your time, there's no rush, just to the grave so slow down("you move to fast, you've got to make the moment last", thanks Paul Simon).

2.Stop competing with everyone for everything, you're not getting anywhere faster than anyone else(we all move toward death at the same rate).

3. Smile at people. It works, honest.

4.Eat really good food. Even if it's not in your budget, you'll reap the rewards and you'll feel better about yourself.

5. Go outside. Seriously, a little sunshine never killed anyone and mother nature may just make you smile.

6. Let someone go ahead of you, it's easy, you just say "no you go first" and hold out your hand in a gesture of allowing them to pass. Shit like that really can make someone's day.

7.It's okay to be critical, of others and yourself but if you're like me and spend the majority of your time alone it's almost to much to judge yourself to harshly. People will forgive you, forgive yourself.

8.This one is optional. Take drugs. Why not let go once and a while?

ALSO, I'd like to mention that I need to add an item to my x-mas wish list. I need a comb. I haven't combed my hair in almost a year. I've been relying on my fingers and the wind, but now I want to get serious and really give those hairs a run through.

So some of you may be wondering "what should I get for Michael for Christmas?"

What do you get for the man who has nothing?

Let's get started!

1.Macbook Pro. You have no idea how much I need this machine.(i'll settle for a mac mini

2. Super siqq commuter bike, like the one your grandfather had in WWII.

3. A new car? Or just pay my insurance.

4. As long as we're paying for stuff, pay my rent for 1 month, that'd be swell.

5. Or make Whole Foods Market build a Gainesville Store, so that I can move back there, and then pay my rent there for a month.

6. A garbage can. I've been living in Naples for like 3 months without one. Sad Face.

7. Oh, I don't have internet in my house either, so that'd be nice; but not Comcast, they're awful.

8. I'd like a book deal for my book, all I want is like 10grand, nothing fancy, and world wide distribution.

9. Or a record deal, I just finished recording a solid LP, I wouldn't mind touring with that.

10. For christmas, maybe you can let me live without paranoia, or without the pain in my leg, both cause me a lot of stress and if you relieved me of one of these things, I'd be forever grateful.


Keep in mind that this is a wish list, I don't expect to get everything I want for Christmas, but you know, the Macbook would be nice.

Oh and throw in some recese pieces on earth and mr.good bar towards men.

My one resolution for this new years is to keep a accurate log of everything I read. I read a lot and this year, Probably with a spread sheet I'll track everything. I also hope to double the amount of books that I own. I did a lot of returning of books(after I read them) and borrowing this year. I want to own more books.

I'll try, right now to make a partial list of the books I read.

edit scratch that, it's too much to think of off the top of my head. ha.

I woke up early so that I could go to the Chiropractor, not blog, so I should do that.

Oh yeah, I'm in love with this chiropractor I met at the mall, who came in to Whole Foods yesterday.

Like I said, I'm a dreamer!

I kinda re-arranged my living room so that I can better see the TV while I'm at the computer, I don't know what this will do to the internet connection that I'm currently stealing but more importantly the computer is now on top of the dinner table so that I can sit upright and type better, because this book has to get finished.

Here's a new song I wrote the other night,


Never Enough from michael waskom on Vimeo.

You know not to keep doting on this whole floridaImisshomepityme thing, but I really think it's the south in general, that I love. I just want to live in a southern beach town, or in the south in general. I could see myself living in Tuscaloosa Alabama, or say Charleston South Carolina, Gainesville obviously, hell even Valdosta Georgia. I just like the south, sue me.

Also, I honestly hate being sober, I know that I have a problem, like that I am an alcoholic I know it. But the shitty part is that when I'm sober I can't sleep, like at all. I also get paranoid, and I become obsessive and moreover compulsive. I'll clean things repeatedly for weeks and then live in total squalor for a month. I'll drink over 100oz of water a hour and chew ice in a really weird way, I chain smoke. These are not exaggerations.

When I drink I can fuckin' relax and just let life go by instead of being all pissy about stupid shit like what I want to do with my life.

You could say, "oh michael, when you drink you're just not facing your problems...that's why you like it" but that's not the truth. When I'm drunk I face shit, I just don't take it so personally and I'll let things slide. I'm just tired of being either sober and fucking crazy(read back a few monthsago, or drunk and hating myself for being drunk.

Isn't there a happy medium... say sober and hating myself, like normal people?

The bottom line is that I'm a dreamer. I have been my whole life, I can be anywhere and still dreaming that I was somewhere else.

The problem with dreamers is that the reason they're dreamers is because they're not doers. DOING takes money, and you dream because you can't obtain your dream. Rich people aren't dreamers, they just do because they can.

In this world there are two types of people, those who want to be Astronomers & those who want to be Astronauts, the astronomer gets to study all of theses great things from far away, but they never get to go into space.

I suppose what I'm meaning to say is that Growing up in a beach town, never more than 10 minutes from the water, winter time is a magical time for the beach. Cold weather is such an anomaly for the beach to me, which is why it makes it all that more special.

What am I gonna do?

So I lied. I'm a liar. Bitch as I may about how I feel stifled by my surroundings, my lack of money and how I feel I'm bound for greatness and nothing short of traveling for the rest of my life can make me complete, at the end of the day when I lay in bed I really miss Bradenton.

When I really think about it, it's the only place I want to live. Taking Cortez out to the beach and going north seeing what I believe is the last true blue collar beach town on the west coast of Florida. Or drive south and see some of the whitest sand in the entire world and coquina shells everywhere. A downtown that's not getting any bigger, my house that's minutes from the beach, the fucking smell of orange peels because they make Tropicana orange juice a few miles away.

Sure there's no jobs, and there are 3 cars for ever 1 person, but fuck I love it.

I could move to Copenhagen, and be happy and I'd still miss that tiny beach town, I can't get over it like how you can't get over your ex's, you just want to go back to them, it's all you know.

I could go to New York and maybe be happy, being an anonymous mess and I'd still want to go back and live in the old house I grew up in.

Listen, I'm DYING to see what's out there, the entire world, but like an addict I always come back to fucking Bradenton. And here's the deal, I don't want to feel this way, I envy people who feel like they can just moved city to city hanging out and never coming home.

I hate myself for what I haven't accomplished.










Fountains and flourescent lights.
When season has come
the snowbirds have crowded the nights.
And old townies are tired
of the beaches and bars
being packed so tight.
And bridges, and traffic, and inlets,
are locked in their fight.

And on these boats,
ride the hopes of working class boys,
dreaming of girls, from far away points.
And better things. Like winter flings.
And longing after spring has sprung.
And they fly north when winter's done.
And we get burned in summer's sun.

Fountains and fluorescent lights.
When season has come
the snowbirds have crowded the nights.
And young townies and tourists
find unlikely love at first sight.
And swear that they're never leaving
and that is their plight.

This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never leaving,
until your flight,
takes you off,
and out of my arms,
and into the air,
so far from your charms,
that I can not bare,
another year,
in this long forgotten beach town,
we once shared.

This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never
leaving me again.
No, not again.

Here's a new song I wrote tonight.


Get up, Get Out from michael waskom on Vimeo.

So I'm having a bad week so far, but this total sweetheart made me a new name tag so that makes the day better, and I'm glad for this person being so considerate.







Thanksgiving my grandfather had an aneurysm and was rushed to the hospital, minutes from death, had a 20% chance of death on the Operating Table and survived, making thanksgiving shitty. Today he had a stroke. Shit sucks.



Below is a slide show of my week so far. Enjoy it, click the pic to go to the album.

I guess I should also mention music in all of this. My deep, deep love for almost all music. I can see the "good" of beauty in almost all forms or genres of music.

It's the trigger for many varieties of happiness and sorrow in my life. If I'm feeling down and sad I'll put on Spinnaker, Jon Caswell's band, and my only closest friend in the whole world. He's one of only maybe 3 people(none of them are family members) I would do anything for, anything. All he needs to do is ask. Just not I got sad and spaced out for a moment thinking about him.

Why can I make such a connection to music(and incidentally) the past, but can't make human connections?

Why can I write entire novels about longing and relationships yet I'm not able to forge these relationships? I write songs of the same nature.

I think I write it all down because I can want it, I can think it, but I can't actually feel it. And the act of trying to fill that void comes across nicely in the artistic process.

I'm not sure why I'm afraid of letting people in. Why I'm afraid that my psychological profile seems to fit most definitions of a sociopath, and that doesn't scare me, what scares me is that this forces me to make a decision. In my mind I should either be a cop or a criminal, or a rock star. I'm technically okay with any of those.

Over the weekend some friends of mine had a brunch at their house. I'm sure that if I would have been in town that I would have been invited. I would not have gone, becuase seeing the pictures on facebook I know that there is no way that I could have interacted on any level with all of those people, even though they're my friends, and I like all of them a lot, I just don't know how to do it.

That's the scariest thing in my life, knowing that I can't interact with people. Sure I'm good at playing the roll of a normal person, being funny and genial, but inside I explode.

I'll also admit that for some reason I'm ashamed that I've never felt extreme physical pain, like being shot, and why I feel like less of a man because I've never killed an animal for food or killed a man to save my own life, like in a war time situation.

All I have is my psyche and poverty, and of course my bicycle. Just now I wondered aloud why I like bicycling so much. Its a solitary thing to do.

I should just join the CIA and do everything that comes naturally. Being paranoid, sneaky, deceitful, and secretive.

Too bad my vision kept me from military service, even though I had high ASVAB scores.

Oh well, time for work!

I get scared to put this pen down on the paper.
It can be such a waste. Not much else scares me at this point.
I'm watching an old woman do this laundry like Charlie Bucket's mother and I think about Tom, and doing my laundry next to this guy who basically changed my world view.
He does his laundry too. And so, you know, ironically I moved to his home town and maybe he's in LA right now doing what I could be doing, but I'm not.
I'm here, wasting my gifts and feeling saaad, aww tragic right?
"Do we only need to keep working because it pays rent?"
Would I follow my heart, or keep my good job?

One day I'll get back to Gainesville and just TRY, even though Chuck says not to.
I'll be damned for picking up this pen because I might fail. And if that motherfucker can still do his own laundry, I can at least keep trying to write.
Why not?

I got off the sauce and into a program. where people understood my problems and you know, cared. I got oh-so-right with the Lord and your pops, who apparently has a direct line to the Man and the Fuzz called me out and called them both up.
So I ran but I came back. you were there, came down and got under my covers.
Years went by like they do, you want my friendship and I want my dick wet, and the fucking Beatles can't sing those songs without me thinking of our car crash.
We said it was a shame that you loved me so much and that I took too much. Fuck me for wanting you still and fuck you for still wanting me.

So I was on the look out for a "Gentleman's Bicycle" for a few months now so today I figured I'd make my way around some of the local bike shops. I went to Big Momma's but didn't like what I saw there so I figured I'd head downtown.

I remembered seeing Naples Bike Shop, but thought that it was closed, until I saw a sign in from stating "Going Out Of Business Sale"

I stopped in and knew I was in the right place.

I found this old Panasonic tucked waaay in the back and it was over, I was even willing to pay the 80$ price tag, until the nephew of the former owner said he's take 20$. But then he said he'd give it to me if I took some junk over to this old guys house, done and done!













Beautiful, I'll get a new seat and clean her up, and maaaaybe make it a fixed gear, we'll see.

Today's going good.

So I'm back so sobriety insomnia, which isn't fun. Granted I did get a little drunk tuesday but that was the first time in months.

Otherwise I realized something about myself, and why I tend to push my close friends away.

All of my good friends have so many of the qualities that I really wish that I possessed.

Example time. Andrew Wyatt. Here's a guy who isn't too smart, oh he's smart alright, clever, good with electronics knows how to fix things and is extremely creative but he's not playing around with game theory in his spare time or researching cancer but he is smart. And he's pretty fucking nice, like has an amazing family that I'm really jealous of, I spent a christmas at his house once and it made me really really depressed.
He played drums(impressively) in my band and eventually moved into my house, where in less than 6 months began to hate me for who I am, or rather, what I do. I could blame this on alcohol abuse. Never-the-less I'm fairly certain that he still hates me to this day, but strangely I don't hate him for who he is, in fact I like him a great deal for standing up for himself and to me, because he was probably right, I'm a son of a bitch and don't deserve his friendship and I crave what he has, total sensitivity and the ability to guard himself from others in such a way that he only lets people in who will enrich his life. I violated that and he quickly expelled me from his life. Moving on.

Although I wouldn't call Alex Zalo a best friend, he's a guy who I greatly admire. He's nice and EVERYONE likes him. He's funny, like he could be a comedian funny. He has in my eyes limitless potential, he plays instruments well, has great taste in everything and I've never seem him put his hand to an endeavor and fail.
I defiantly took this guy for granted, like in the way that you think he'll always be around so you can always fall back to him, but one day I'll find that he's gone, away doing something important, being famous and I'll be forgotten.

Jon Caswell. Well, let's face it, I let him get away. He's truly a free(albeit tortured) soul. Try as I may, he can't be contained and I never expected to have him be my best friend forever. He and I have been through a lot over the years and I would do anything for him still to this day. Anything. He's the kind of brother I wish I could have had.

I don't even want to get into how jealous of Travis Martin is for his musical creativity and imagination. Or Aaron Beasley for being truly classy and probably being brilliant and the most humble person I know.

I would give anything in my life(probably) to be any one of these people, which is why I befriended them and why I probably, deep down hate them on some level, because they have what I don't see in myself. I don't see the good qualities I have as being good enough to be as good as anything my friends have and that is why I eventually turn away from them, in shame. Why I'll die with a bottle in my hand no matter how sober I can stay for stretches at a time and why I'll call so many in my life "best friend" but as far as I can tell, never had that favor returned.

I do want these people to read this because I want them to know, that whether they know it or not, they've affected me, they matter. I want them to know that although I may not matter as much as I to them, I would turn over the world for them.

I think that's my whole M.O. in life, completely avoiding ever living my life, being myself and always being willing to sacrifice all for others. It's not noble, it's selfish because after I sacrifice I can try and feel better about being the bad person that I am, if I can for one minute pretend to be even slightly as good as any one of my friends.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

readallofthisdrivel? leavemeacommentplease.

I had a real fun time last night, one of the funnest times since summer, by far. I was in the nicest house I've ever been in, full of lots of really nice things, surrounded by genuine people whos company I enjoy a great deal. I didn't let go, in that I didn't let my guard down too much, like i want to, like I'm going to have to one day. But I still felt real good going to bed last night, feeling like things are okay.

I miss my dog a lot.

There's an inexplicable sadness that fills the majority of my friends, I can understand it, I can relate to it, I was and may still be there. There has to be some way to drive around the country and give all of my friends the hugs that they need. I want to go visit Jenny Faust and tell her that she matters, and people care about here. My friend Cierra needs to know that she has unlimited potential and that her dreams, however wild can come true.

John needs a friend, someone he can count on, and I'd want to be there for him but I can't let anyone in, not to the point of where I'd feel comfortable.

I don't know what it is about being in your mid-twenties and being sad. Song writers have written songs about it, there are books and movies and art and maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

But hey, at least I don't feel stressed these days, I don't feel trapped and hunted. But I also don't feel like doors are opening for me, or that I'm a person of consequence.

It's only Thursday and it's already been a tough week.

Monday and Tuesday I was a ball of nerves waiting for the election results. Thankfully, Obama clinched it and Wednesday morning I woke up for the first time in months and I wasn't worried. I didn't immediately turn on CNN. I actually lazily turned on VH1 and watched music videos, what a wave of relief.

I had my first chiropractic visit today, with an adjustment, pain free for the first time in 5 years and it was amazing. Although bad news came along. I have the beginning of arthritis in my neck and that I have the spin of a 40 year old.
This I find somewhat frightening, to think that perhaps one day in the near future I could be some kind of cripple is terrifying. One day, if I don't take care of this I could wake up and not be able to walk properly or turn my neck. I've never really, honestly confronted my own mortality, and if I were being honest here, I don't plan to now. But I DO have chiropractic visits lined up for the next few months, I want to be well and live without pain.

Back to politics I've been reading(per usual) tons of blogs and I can't believe how many people, usually young 18-21 year old girls believe that political issues don't touch them. They truly believe that their lives aren't affected by whomever is president etc. Also, I've recently encountered a few younger people who are genuinely afraid of Barack Obama, and really wanted John McCain to win. I can only scratch my head.

Anyways, I get to ride my bike to work tomorrow, and that always feels nice. Oh and yesterday I deep fried some catfish.

I'll have to admit, that today I'm really happy. Everything I needed I got and all things worked out(go gators!).

I feel pretty good, but at this moment, I'm reading Anthony Bourdain's book Kitchen Confidential and I really miss working in restaurants, especially in the restaurant that I worked in in Gainesville. All the things he talks about in his book in some way or another I've experienced, and that's cool, a lot of people have that connection, which is probably why it's such a best seller.

What I'm trying to say is that Here I am in Naples, and I realize that I never should have moved away from Gainesville. I moved away for selfish reasons when I shoulda just stuck around and toughed it out. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy here, but I'm sure that I would be much better off had I had stayed. Something about that area of the state really feels like home, and I'm reminded of my visit there this summer and how much fun I had.

Anyways, my handlebars never came today, fuck you USPS, I guess I have no choice but to wait for Monday, that's my fun day.

It's weird that I just realized that I'm that single guy you see at the grocery store. You know, the one who's shopping with the hand held basket, everything placed in it oh so carefully. The guy, who's buying fresh vegetables and fruits, enough for only one to eat. The guy who wants everything packed into one bag, so it's all very easy to carry. Perhaps he pays in exact cash.

It's not so bad, I have a decent job, a decent house, a nice bike. I was even half invited to a party tonight by a woman, she asked for my number and maybe she'll call, maybe she won't. She seems nice enough. She's 31.

Tomorrow morning my new handle bars will come in the mail, and I'm really, really excited about this. I'll post pictures.

Also, tomorrow I'll make a video tour of my house, so all like 3 of you that read this drivel can see how it looks.

here's me, right now.

So I’ve got some major chills. This man is amazing. I believe that most of his speeches are from memory, at least he doesn’t seem to be reading anything in this clip. I really do get a sense of hope from hearing him speak.

Reminds me of a very good preacher, and even of MLK.

Amazing.

Lately,

I've been going to the beach, working on my tan. ;) It seems that at the beach there are no problems, you can't hear cars, or construction, or airplanes just the sound of the water and the warmth of the sun. There's also a lot of sea life in the water here, which is cool.

I've been biking a lot. Today I shredded the city, from downtown to vanderbilt and everywhere in between. I think I've figured out my route to work, a route that blends directness and safety.

I haven't had a drop of alcohol in over two weeks. I have been drinking lots and lots of water, home brewed coffee and tea.

Also, I have to put this out there, every bit of Star Wars is believable to me except for in Episode 5 where Luke is offered to come to the Dark Side by his father Darth Vader and instead of joining him he chooses to fall down a shaft and miraculously gets sucked into a tube and ends up hanging from an antenna and then Leia flys over and picks him up just in time. Seriously?

I'm excited to meet new people and hang out with said people. I want to do fun stuff and not have any drama. I've only seen a few people around who I think I can "relate" to, one dude at the library(while I was waiting in line to vote) and a few others in passing while riding my bike. Hopefully there are cool people here who are down for fun times.

I've also noted that such people I can "relate" to are very scarce. Almost everywhere I've been to so far, I seem to be the most "punk rock" person there, or the odd ball which is saying a lot.

Future friends, where are you!?

Ha, here's a picture of the sunset from my bike ride last night.

So I had a really nice bike ride tonight. I had to ride a long long way to find a "not so nice" area of town, but I found it. Funny that even the not so nice area aren't that bad compared to Sarasota. I get a good vibe from this town, so we'll see.

All I really know is that I feel exorcised, I feel really good.

Every passing second brings me to an almost supernatural freedom. Although this change makes me sad in ways that I can't explain, I know it'll be okay.

I'm ready to move on, and I'm awaiting the moment when I am set free.

My friend Emily said this today.

Oh man. Let it just be said that I will not, am not, and would never vote for someone based solely on candid photographs of that person, but can you not see how much charisma this man has in every single picture of him? If I didn’t know who he was, I’d want to know who he was.

That says quite a lot, I think about the character of Barack Obama, it's true. Some people, and yes they're typically rock stars, you see them in public or in photos and you just want to know them, you want to be around them and this is how I feel about Barack Obama.

Some people draw people to them and I think that this man does that.

Coming home from work every day and having to play catch-up on all the news and blogs I follow is like the worst homework ever. At least when I read history in school I knew it was over. Now I read all this shit and just freak out.

Here are examples, 10 pages of Ancient US History.
Make Believe Maverick.

2 pages of Current Events
Sarah Palin's Deception.

NOT TO MENTION Commentary's and regular news sites.
Normal, Outraged People.

And CNN is on full blast at all times. Nov 4th I'm taking a vacation.

So it's come to my attention that some people follow my blog via blogspot's follow tool or whatever. I don't use this feature, more likely than not I follow your blog with the Google Reader tool. Don't think that I don't follow your blog.

It's really hard to realize that I have to get drunk every night(alone), no matter what the circumstances.

There's a really amazing woman at work, who dates a good friend of mine. She is a mother of 4 wonderful children, she trys to help me out of whatever I'm in. But I always refuse help, I can't not participate in 99% of social activities. Miss Fox, I'd love to hang out with you guys, and have normal conversations, but I can't bring myself to doing such.

If I'm out in public I'm preforming, I'm acting because if I pretend that there are cameras everywhere filming me I can act. I can act like I'm not afraid to interact with everyone(which I'm really good at).

I don't know that this will change anytime soon, but I'd like to hope that I can not be so crazy.

You wouldn't know it but I'm drunk now, I'm still a great typer.

I'm going south, into the swamps, into hiding, and when the water rises I'll either sink or drown, but what's for sure is that the tide will rise. The rising tide.

One thing I'd like to note about Christians is that Christians in my experience tend to vote for Christians. This is typical across the board, even if the Christian candidate tends to have a poor economic plan, or a poor or reckless view on foreign affairs. They want to vote for the person that has the same god as they do, if they think that god has appointed said candidates they too should vote for them.

Aside from John F. Kennedy(and vaguely, because JFK was kinda shady) I can't think of any Democratic president who was deeply religious. So in my opinion Christians tend to vote republican.

How doe the republicans turn the christian voter around? Well, it comes from the christian right deciding that God doesn't want them to vote for the person who speaks His name loudest, they should be voting for the candidate who has the soundest perspective on economic issues, social change, and foreign policy.

But logically, this won't happen.

I know this to be true because I don't know one middle aged christian who is going to vote for Obama, and any serious christian I know who is voting I find that they're voting for a 3rd party candidate like Ron Paul. They don't want the lesser of two evils, they want to vote their conscious. And how does the democrats convince these people who would vote for a 3rd party to turn their vote to the democrats? It all comes back to educating people about economic issues, social issues, and foreign policy issues, and that in my mind won't happen. It's just too hard to educate Americans.


Also as an aside, why is it such a travesty according to McCain/Palin for Barack Obama or any leader to sit down with dictators around the world? What's so wrote with meeting with the Chavez's of the world? How can it hurt us to listen to their concerns and issues?

If you read this comment, I want your opinions and to know who exactly is reading this, if anyone.

Okay, so I'll admit that in the past 8 years I've always voted for a 3rd party candidate. In 2000 I voted for Howard Phillips and in 2004 I clipped a chad for Michael Peroutka , both of those men ran on the Constitution Party primarily for their view on taxes among other things.

I stand by those votes, I don't regret it. But now, in 2008 I'm terrified. I'm loosing sleep, I'm breaking into tears at the fact that Sarah Palin and John McCain will be our next president. I now know how most normal people felt four years ago when they didn't want four more years of Bush.

Our government is terrifyingly evil on every level, it's almost to me, incomprehensible.


What do you think?

if i have to hear "john mccain was the maverick" or "we all know that john mccain is known as a maverick"

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

being a maverick in the senate is like saying you're a nigger in a room full of black people. you're all black, you're no different from everyone else, you just call yourself something different.

this may be a bad example but i hope you get what i'm saying.

this whole campaign on both sides is really really frustrating, but especially from the republican side.

kill me.

McPalin and Obiden both don't support gay marriage. What a downer. At least Bamabiden would give gays equal civil rights in regards to property and money issues.

Why is this country in retrograde?

I like Lou Dobbs more and more each day. He says a lot of things that most people think and that most journalists want to shout, but can't. Example, "What in the world is going on with our "leadership" in government?"

He rules.

On the flip side, this whole bailout thing makes me really sad. Like to where I just want to cry. A 450 page bill with 150 billion added on as "earmarks" honestly, tax breaks for 10 companies that make children's wooden arrows? Fuck all.

Also mark my words, if John McCain gets elected and DIES and Sarah Palin becomes president, I'm moving out of country.

Went to Naples today, good stuff.

I got my new bike, I'll post some pics later. I feel really happy today, I really do. My recording is coming along nicely.

I played an open mic night last night and got a really warm reception, a LOT of people said a lot of really nice things, which makes me think that people really dig my songs and that maybe, just maybe I can make something out of myself.

That's all I'm willing to give away right now. Maybe you'll be seeing me on the corner of vanderbilt beach road...

I've gained about 15 pounds since my break up, stress eating and stress drinking, to excess. I feel awful and I hate who I am right now.

I can't take it.

I need to make a huge change. I don't know what to do.

Lord help me.

So, my life is a fucking joke. Everything happens in extremes, just when I start seriously toying with the possibility of moving a girl in St. Pete says that I can move into her house and live there...

I get a sweet oppournity to work in a brand new whole foods in Naples, which sounds very tempting and...

A friend of mine says "i've got an open room in my Apt in Brooklyn, how soon can you get here?"

WHAT THE FUCK. There is no ebb and flow in my life, there is only full blast tidal waves and bone dry seasons.


WHY DOES MODERATION ESCAPE ME?

Blogger and friends, what should I do?

i hearby retract my ftw from my last post. the continental breakfast blew ass. yogurt on ice and hard boiled fucking eggs.

oh and fox news was being particularly racist and insensitive on tv this morning.

two flat tires and now im officially GRUMPY.

Tonight was really fun and I also enjoyed every person that I interaceted with tonught. New people I'm meeting are so amazing.

I have been thinking about moving, maybe south. I have no idea, but it seems like a good idea.

There are cute girls everywhere here, but that's not a contributing factor, anyways.

Time to go to bed to get up in time for the breakfast buffet. ftw.

So about a week ago I posted on Livejournal(I know, I know, I'm not a teenager anymore) about my dissatisfaction with the music industry and how good music is marketed to certain people and not to others. you can read the whole thing here!

My great friend Erin Solari responded with some great words that I took as a revelation.

Here's my favorite parts...

Also, the music industry as well as every industry under the sun is going through a huge change. A very sharp turn towards the future, if you will. (check out the book: "the world is flat"... it will open your eyes) What this change is doing in regards to the music industry is killing the tangible unit that is "the record". Discs will never be completely gone, but they are soon to be as obsolete as vinyl.

A commodity, another piece of music paraphernalia like a sticker or button or t-shirt. This is the sad truth about our days of spending hours in the local independent record store exploring new music and coming home with your stereo feed for the next month or so. (The Get Up kids' "something to write home about" stayed in there for like 2 months straight! never left once i swear).
But the good news is: what this means for today's over-saturated market is that it's a) cutting out the middle man that is "the record label". we no longer need the funds or the approval of a label to be successful. b) even tho myspace and such make it easier to bombard consumers with their sounds, the real money-maker and true test of an artist's success perseverance will ultimately be touring.

Fans are tired of the same over-produced/ compressed bullshit. You've got bands out there giving music away. People don't mind paying 99 cents a song, but they want more and more for their money. Hence the importance of the performance and touring. So with the economy and gas prices they way they are, my favorite part about "b" is that it is going to weed out the crap that shows up in your town. More quality music, higher quality performances, less filler means more people will come out to shows and it will be an awesome experience again and everybody wins.

In every market, the corporation is getting broken and the individual is being empowered. Between youtube and myspace, there is no reason why anyone should be oppressed by the preverbal "man". Man, i love the future. ha.

This struck a major chord in me, seeing as how I'm trying to "break" into the music industry myself.

A few weeks ago I came to terms with the fact that I'm willing to do whatever it takes, give up whatever I have to to achieve my goals. I don't need to bow to the corporate assholes to get a record made and I can and will find acceptance without selling my soul.

My ep should be finished in the next two weeks, and I couldn't be more excited to share it with everyone.

Also, here's a recent picture of me ;)

The music that I make is cathartic in a way that when I play the guitar and sing the song I'm there again and living it. Sometimes in a negative way, such as if I sing a song about loving Kristen, now I sing it with more emotion and everything I say only helps me to get past what I'm feeling, but in an odd way re-opens the wounds and makes it fresh all over again.

So in a way, there is no catharsis.

But the music stays fresh, and to quote Feist, "I feel it all".

I force myself to believe that It'll all turn around soon.

I am exhausted from my trip, more so mentally than physically, but physically also.

I had a lot of fun, and i've got some pictures, hilarious ones.

umm, I also realized that I REALLY need to move, somewhere other than here fast. Probably St.Pete or Tampa, so that i can continue to work for whole foods. Every time I even see kristen i get sick, which can't be good for my health.

I really feel crazy(but in a good, artistic(lol) way).

Dinner, pics, then copious compulsive consumption of alcohol.

Besides feeling that I'm having withdraws, I also feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. No matter how much exercise I get I have this crazy nervous energy where I feel sick all the time. I don't know what is contributing to my neurosis, or if the neurosis itself is the cause.

"There are many different specific forms of neurosis: pyromania, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety neurosis, hysteria (in which anxiety may be discharged through a physical symptom), and an endless variety of phobias. According to Dr. George Boeree, effects of neurosis can involve:

...anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, etc., behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, neurosis involves dependency, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc."

Interesting, I've emboldened the ones that apply to me.

I obsess about my weight, counting every calorie, then binge on something bad and feel bad about it. Exercise regularly, drink heavily, then try and stop. My stomach is constantly upset. I worry about what others are doing on the internet... ugh could someone I know have updated some information about them, there are blogs that I haven't read yet, ctrl r, F5.

Are trained assassins trying to kill me in my sleep? I won't sleep then. This is why I own a gun.

I need to get this recording done, I have to record these songs, I need to have a good cry. I just want to play music forever and ever and not worry about anything else. I will not worry about anything else. Sometime I break into tears because i really want to drink but I can't allow myself to consume the calories.

So tomorrow my ex-fiancee's new boyfriend, whom she met on the internet moves here from Seattle to live with her and her family. The guy is moving across country to be with a(clinically depressed/bi-polar/insane) girl he met on the internet.

I don't know how to feel about this, besides the general shock and awe.

So I do what i think is right, and i get drunk and I write songs, and i dream about being a guy who can get drunk and sing songs for people. This is actually something I've been thinking/planning/scheming about for a while now. Some people have talent and make it big and some people want it more than others and make it happen. I'm going to make it happen.

Unfortunately OLD Dashboard Confessional helps.

I'll be okay eventually.

UPDATES!

So I made a few changes around the ol' blog, not that I really believe that anyone reads this, well maybe a few people. Although i think to myself, "i rss so many blogs, I'm sure someone reads mine." which isn't really logical, anyways. On to the Updates!

I added a slide show at the bottom of the page, so hopefully that'll be cool. It's basically of photos I've already posted here, but I'm hoping it'll make for nice page content. I also updated the links section and changed around a few other odds and ends type thing.

Enjoy. Oh and if you read this or RSS leave me a comment and let me know.

I've been very stressed out lately. This isn't good, but I'm working on changing it.

When life gives you lemons, ask for some vodka.

I'm not sure if I can quite express my dissatisfaction with myself.

I'm extremely unhappy that my body doesn't metabolize food the way that other people I know do. Some people can eat anything they want and not gain a pound and I on the other hand have to control and micro manage my diet to avoid gaining weight.

I'm bummed that I don't have money. Even a significant amount like say, 1,000 dollars saved. Some people can just go anywhere and do and or buy anything. And I can't. I've always been poor. Why would god or whoever provide a desire for something and not provide the means?

There are certain people from my "circle of friends" that I know who I'm jealous of because of their good looks. One person in particular.

The bigger question I think is why do I perceive myself to be inadequate in almost every way in comparison to my friends or to people that I know?

Why do I get on my bicycle and ride the streets debating with myself about getting a drink only to end up buying a 12 pack and working more than half way through it?

When will I be who I want to be?

It's crazy how during a relationship all of your shortcomings arn't a problem, but after a break-up the shortcomings are suddenly your biggest flaw.

I'd like to think that this only applies to the more petty person in the relationship. I mean, I'm not going around referring to her as, "that bi-polar clinically depressed attention needing bitch". I mean i could, but I don't. I just don't.

Ah well.

I've been biking and having a good time doing so. Hopefully I'll have a nice ride tomorrow.

Pictures to follow.

So I've been single for about 3 weeks now, after my failed engagement was over I've just been laying low, biking, beering, and seeing a few different girls. Nothing too serious but you know, fun.

I think she's been hanging out with this guy we work with named Jason. Which I suppose is okay. I mean he's not a bad guy etc etc. But the main reason Kristen and I are no longer together is because of her mental instability. I recognize this but I have serious doubts about another guy seeing this flaw in her. I'm terrified that she'll be exploited. What's interesting to note is that I get this protective feeling towards her confused with myself actually missing her and her being around etc, and also with the feeling that I'll never find another because at 27 I'll never ever love again. Logical i know.

What's important to remember is how much of a living hell she made my life, how she lied, her irresponsibility, and how completely unmotivated and lazy she is.

So what if she's really hot and has an incredible body?

I have my bicycles, my dog, my health and a good job.
Most importantly is that I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to.(aside from biking to Gainesville)

Time to go to work.

Even the best laid plans...

So last Friday night I left for my epic trip to bike to Gainesville, FL.



I left at 2am thinking, brilliantly that I would beat the traffic and the heat and I got about 50 miles into the trip before I got so completely terrified that I turned right around and came back home. I'll tell you a few things.
1. When taking a trip that far, go with a buddy.
2. Even with 4 lights it's still dark as fuck.
3. Every passing car will run you over, or contains a car load of escaped killers who want to kill you(at least that's what your mind tells you.)

So with my tail safely between my legs, i got in the truck and drove me and my bike to Titletown USA.



Where i promptly went to a few bars/parties


And hung out with a lot of old friends,


Biked the Hawthorne Trail




Took another self portrait


Felt jealous and embarrassed for Aaron's Kit





Immersed myself in the swamp




Found some wide open spaces at Paynes Prairie



Drove home on Tuesday and shared some pints



And some Liters









Heather and Buddy





Went to a museum with a special lady,



Fixed Gear bikes are everywhere!






Saw a little castle



And some compelling art.



And that is how i spent my summer vacation, and there's still two days left.

hopefully I'll be able to get a good long bike ride in tomorrow night and then it's back to work Monday afternoon!

It's been a great week.

Tonight myself and some people from around town went on a group ride and several notable things happened that are worth noting.

1. After I picked up Joe and we were heading down Coconut where two of my friends have been jumped and had their bikes stolen in the past... so anyways Joe and I are hauling it down Coconut and what appears in front of us but about a dozen males age 15-20 maybe, all of african descent who as they see us approaching block the roadway until i shine my light at them and we pick up the pace after which they opened up a small hole for us to pass at high speed. Very scary if you ask me. Athena who also lives in the Coconut area was also almost jumped about five minutes later until one said to the others, "it's a girl, it's a girl...you're lucky you're a girl."

What the fuck is wrong with people.

I would rather have anything else I own, including my car stole from be before I would have my bike leave my possession. There's something about how I built every inch of that machine that makes me very attached to it.

2. Some people actually are into bicycles and fixed gear cycling culture as a hobbie, something to do in their early 20's during and after college and before they join the 'real world'. These people are usually very annoying and have money in the bank(which almost makes them tolerable). I could go on and on with this forever but I'll just say that these people are the reason I have no faith in the future of this world and I'm genuinely concerned for my wellbeing into the 21st century.

3. Coinciding with point number 2, last week I almost brought myself to tears after I realized that I judged someone improperly. I don't want to elaborate on this situation because it still makes me feel bad, even though i didn't say anything to anyone about this judgment. But the question comes to me and it is, Is it okay to judge the rich? Can they take all I can dish out?

I'm just rambling now. Onto a more positive topic. This Saturday I will be riding my bicycle to Gainesville Florida from Sarasota Florida. It's a 200 mile ride and I'll be doing it on a fixed gear.

Wish me luck.

Saturday I depart for Gainesville Fl, on my bicycle. If I make it, it will be a double century ride, on a fixed gear bicycle. Look out for pictures this time next week.

200 miles is quite a long way, wish me luck, I may need it.

Also my girlfriend moved out and I had been pretty upset about it, things rarely go as planned. I can't always control the wind, but I can always adjust my sails.


I may lose a lot of things, but at least I still have my bicycle and my dog. I do miss Kristen though.

Is it wrong to feel like I don't want to be in love with Kristen any longer? I mean, she is completely incapable of making me happy, all she actually does is make my life harder by being lazy, spoiled and selfish(which can be accounted for by being clinically depressed).

She apparently has no desire to improve herself even though her mother and I practically force her to the doctors.

Is love now worth a headache later? Where is the line one crosses when it actually is all more trouble than it's worth?

I give so much, I do all of the cooking and cleaning and I do all of the budgeting for bills take care of the dogs and the list goes on and on. And if I don't want sex when she wants it? I'm an asshole and maybe she should be with someone younger who can give her what she wants.

I just feel like I deserve someone who can give back to me, even in the slightest way, because it's not too much to ask.

And because of all of this I'm starting to miss things from my past, like wishing I never moved away from Gainesville. Even though i struggled financially there at least I always felt I knew who I was even if I didn't like who that person was. Now i feel like I know who I am and that I'm trapped, whereas before I at least felt like I could escape.

This Is Not An Exit.

Recently

So I haven't been cycling a whole lot recently, but I have been working and my girlfriend who's now my fiancee has moved in with me, which hasn't been quite the joy i would have hoped it would have been.

Her mother and I think that she is bi-polar, which to me is a bit overwhelming. In a few weeks she has a doctors appointment and we'll know more about it then. It's very stressful for me because one minute she's fine and the next minute she's flipped out and trying to move out of the house by walking down the street carrying a toothbrush and a tee-shirt.

It's scary because I love her so much and I just want her to be healthy and happy.

The other day we got YMCA memberships and started working out, which I'm happy about. My shortterm fitness goals are to run three miles in 23 minutes and to have a flat stomach again. We'll see how it works out. I already feel better.

So there's a lot more going on, like maybe looking into moving out west to Portland Oregon by the end of the year, who knows.

I also got a promotion to a supervisor at work, which rules.

That's all i got.

getting ones digital ducks in a row is a empowering and sometimes
embarassing thing.

as a side note i no longer have the internet in my home so i'm doing a
great deal from my smart phone.

toys are cool. now working for almost 2 weeks is cool. too much
mountain dew and watching complete seasons of 24 in one sitting is
cool too.

that's that.

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